I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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