"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
