She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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