He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
