one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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