when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
