My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
