she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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