Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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