I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
