the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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