On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
