Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
