i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
is that a dick in a sweater?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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