How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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