So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
