The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
