so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
