I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
