I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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