I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
