sarcasm needs its own font
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
