I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think i got beer on your cat.
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