I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
