What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I love you.
Bad choice
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
