I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
