there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
