Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
