Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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