Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
