I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
