The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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