i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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