best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
