I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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