I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
