i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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