hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
