Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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