On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
