Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
