I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
