i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
