Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize