so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
