the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
