I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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