Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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