ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
