I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
