My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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