i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
