my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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