That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
