I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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