We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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