Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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