Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
it was like eating out sand paper
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
