If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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