sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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