So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
