I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
