I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
